Conflict Resolution and Assertiveness

To be able to handle conflicts the proper way you must be assertive. Assertiveness is when you make your feelings known and make changes that will reduce your stress without making you feel guilty. When you are assertive you reduce the anxiety in conflict situations. Finally, assertiveness can bring you increased respect from others, allow you to get rid of negative or hurtful feelings and help you achieve your goals.

The D.E.S.C. System for Assertiveness

Describe the other person's behavior.

Express your feelings (use "I" statements). Focus on the action, not on the person as being a problem.

Specify what you want changed. Offer a reasonable solution.

Consequences. Outline clearly and calmly what will happen if nothing is changed.

"In personal relationships, conflicts frequently are the result of poor communication."
- Gay, Kathlyn, 1993

Communication Techniques to Resolve Conflicts

• Talk about differences and problems wherever possible, using a reasonable calm tone of voice.
• Avoid the "silent treatment." Nothing is gained if you refuse to talk things over.
• Try to clarify reasons for conflicts without making accusations; reject name calling, insults and unflattering comparisons.
• Let the other person express their feelings or point of view without interrupting to present your side of the story.
• Try not to use phrases with "should have." The deed is done, so nothing is gained by dwelling on past actions, deal with the present.
• Accept responsibility for your own ideas and feelings.
• Try to accept situations that cannot be changed or that are beyond your control.
• Find a mediator (someone who will help both sides look at the other side) if communication breaks down.

Don't forget ...

• Conflict is an unavoidable part of all relationships.
• The way conflicts are handled sets the tone of the relationship.
• Every conflict is an opportunity for improvement.
• People have good reasons for the things they say and the positions they take.
• Your ability to influence is directly related on you willingness to be influenced.
• Some things are not negotiable.
• Everyone is capable of changing.
• We either make history or repeat it.

"One of the greatest victories you can gain over people is to beat them at politeness."

Good Thoughts

The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right.
-- Quentin Hogg MP

A single fact can spoil a good argument.
-- Anonymous

Truth springs from arguments amongst friends.
-- David Hume

Conflict Resolution

Remember that in any relationship of two or more people, conflict is inevitable, and part of the "cycle" of relationships.

If you choose to view conflict resolution as a ‘tug of war' there will always be at least one loser AND the relationship always loses. If you choose to move away from this model - toward a view of joint problem solving and challenge - then the winner is the relationship (both of you).

The goal of successful conflict resolution is understanding each other. Be open to compromise and willing to try mutual solutions. Also be open to revisiting what you're trying if it isn't working.

Guidelines:

• Deal with issues as they arise and stay with one issue - mutually agree on what the conflict or issue is.
  
  
• Pick a mutually agreeable time and place to discuss a problem. Leave the TV off, music low and no alcohol or drug use.
  
  
• Each of you has the right to have comfortable distance between yourselves. A table between you is a good prop for discussion and maintains personal space.
  
  
• Both partners must agree to have the right to retreat or call a "time out" if necessary. Honour this right, but do not abuse it. If you don't return to deal with this issue at some point, the "bottling up" may lead to an unexpected explosion in the future.
  
  
• Avoid blaming, be honest (no ‘mind games'), focus on the problem not the person, and respect your partner and yourself.
  
  
• Don't make assumptions. Ask if you are unsure about your partner's response or actions.
  
  
• Cooperate together and stick to commitments and promises.

A Conflict Resolution Approach:

1. In conflict, each person usually has the goal of getting the other person to agree. This sets up a win/lose battle making the other person the enemy. The first step in conflict resolution is to change this goal from agreement to understanding. You don't need to agree but you should be able to know another's position so well that you could argue their position. Use the following process to help check for understanding:
   
   

   • Person 1 sends message to Person 2
   • Person 2 sends what they heard back to Person 1 without adding additional information or information of their own.
   • Person 1 states that the information given back is correct or incorrect.
   • If correct, it is now Person 2's turn to send the message. If incorrect, the process must begin again.
     
     
2. After understanding has been reached, each person gets an uninterrupted 10 to 15 minutes to describe how they feel about the issue and conflict plus what they want. To further ensure resolution of the conflict, the wants should include what they want for themselves, for (not from) the other person and what they want for the relationship. Use the above process after each person has stated what they feel and what they want.
   
   
3. The last step in conflict resolution is each person stating what they are willing to give in the situation. This may lead to a compromise. It may also lead to agreement to disagree, or an agreement to move in one direction or the other.
   
   

Maturity:
(source unknown)

Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence or destruction.

Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favour of the long-term gain.

Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or a situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging set-backs.

Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort and defeat, without complaint or collapse.

Maturity is humility. It is being big enough to say, "I was wrong". And, when right, the mature person need not experience saying "I told you so".

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities, then they do nothing.

Maturity means dependability, keeping one's work, coming through in the crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are the confused and disorganized. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business and good intentions that somehow never seem to materialize.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which we cannot change.

Additional Links on this topic

CONFLICT RESOLUTION ADULT/CHILD
Coping with Tricky Times: Conflict Resolution in Adult/Child Relationships Strategies for Positive Discipline

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Sources of Conflict: Substantive conflict is defined as a breakdown in the decision making process. That is, an alternative cannot be chosen. Therefore, conflict manifests itself in a disagreement over alternative (positions).