Effective Communication
Being an Effective Communicator
Whatever type of communication skills you might apply in a specific situation, you can use those skills to your advantage, if you think of them as social tools; they can help you relate to strangers, make new friendships, and maintain close relationships.
Basic parts of communication:
- Talking
- Listening
- Body Language (eye movements, facial expressions, signs, signals, and body posture)
- Metatalk (statements about how the communication is going.
Ex. "We're having trouble working this out aren't we?
Good communication demands 3 essential ingredients:
- Energy
- Enthusiasm
- Excitement
Which is your style?
- BLAMERS
Always try to point the finger at someone else. Blamers are never wrong. Nothing is ever their fault. Blamers might say: "It's all your fault that I didn't enjoy my supper last night."
- PLACATORS
Always try to please other people. They want to keep the peace at any cost. Placators might say: "Whatever you want is fine with me."
- DISTRACTORS
Have trouble answering direct questions and have problems remembering what they have
communicated. Distractors talk and talk and do not make much sense. They might say something like:
"I don't remember what we specifically talked about"
- COMPUTERS
Are calm and businesslike. Computers think things out before they speak. They might say:
"This is how it should be done."
- LEVELERS
Communicate openly, directly, and sincerely. Levelers may have parts of the other four styles. They have goals. Most importantly they respect themselves and others. They may sound like this: "I may not agree with you, but I respect your opinion."
* You may be a combination of styles.
* Recognizing which style you fit into is the first
step in improving your communication skills.
Did You Know ...
There are many factors that can influence our success in communication with others. The following are just some you may want to consider next time you are trying to communicate with others. Your self-esteem and confidence have a lot to do with the way you send your message. If you are feeling insecure about yourself, you may be communicating this in one way or another.
- Their age
- Their values (If they were taught not to swear, they might not listen to you if you swear a lot)
- Their past experiences
- The environment they grew up in
- Their mood
- The way you dress and present yourself
Tips ...
- Acknowledge responsibility for your own behavior and communicate "I messages" - what you think and feel.
- Be true to yourself, express your opinion and how you see things.
- Don't get stepped on - be assertive. Say NO without any guilt.
- Empathize with others.
- Feed back verbal and nonverbal messages to encourage others to share their views.
- Learn how people of cultures different from your own communicate so that you can avoid misunderstandings.
- Respect other's ideas and try not to take over the conversation.
- Stick to the point.
- X-out offensive racist and sexist language, and avoid stereotyping and labeling others.
Listening
- is considered the most important communication skill
- has been call an art
- establishes contact between two people
Did you know...
Most of us don't know how to listen properly.
Unnecessary stress is caused by misunderstandings which are often avoidable with the use of good, active listening.
No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.
- Jewish Proverb
Listening Tips
- A good listener lets the other person know the message was understood. Try repeating back what they said in your own words. Ex. "So you think that..."
- Check out the meaning of the message. Words and expressions mean different things to different people. If you have any doubt about the meaning, ask the speaker to reword the message.
- Let the speaker finish talking without interrupting. Even if you disagree or if you have any questions. The speaker will probably answer your questions if you don't interrupt.
- Hold on to your response and your message. Try not to question, analyze, preach, lecture, or give your opinion when someone is sharing feelings.
- Try not to judge the message you hear. When people share things with you, they don't want to be judged just listened to.
- Try not to change the subject.
Quiz
Answer the following questions with these choices:
a) Often b) Sometimes c) Seldom d) Never
Good Listening Habits Do you ...
- Show that you're listening through your body language? ________
- Try to figure out what the other person means while they speak? ________
- Give feedback about what was said to make sure you heard the
message clearly? ________
- Explain what was said so you can understand better? _________
- Give your complete attention when someone is talking? _________
If you answered sometimes or often for most of the questions good for you!! Now you can try to improve on the rest.
Poor Listening Skills Do you ...
- Interrupt or ask unimportant questions that show that you are really
not listening? _________
- Not really listen because you are trying to think of what to say next? _________
- Day dream and then realize you not really listening? _________
- Find yourself judging what the other person is saying? _________
- Look for mistakes when the other person is talking? _________
If you answered sometimes or often to most of the questions don't worry!! You are honest enough to admit that you might not be the best listener. All of us at one point tend not to listen. Now you can improve your listening skills!!
Remember ...
- If you really listen to what others have to say, you will find that all of your relationships will improve.
- Make sure the message you receive is really want the other person wanted to send.
- Be sure your tone of voice, your eyes, and your body position all express what you're saying in words and that you are listening.
Relationships and Communication
Remembering the Differences Between Men and Women
Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women can find themselves at odds with each other Usually we become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important fact.
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate effectively about our differences. Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduces confusion when dealing with the opposite sex.
Overview of the Differences
- Men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction.
- Women and men cope with stress differently. Men tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them, while women feel the need to talk about what's bothering them.
- Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.
- Men and women have different needs for intimacy.
- Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative.
- Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful.
Painful arguments:
-
Men tend to act as if they are always right and they may be invalidating a woman's feelings.
-
Women tend to unknowingly send messages of disappointment instead of disagreement, lighting a man's defences.
Communication Styles that Affect Intimacy
Trust |
Distrust |
Pleasure |
Pain |
Desire |
Fear |
Love |
Anger |
Ease
|
Disease
|
These styles
move toward intimacy |
These styles
move away from intimacy |
confiding |
Leveling/Congruent |
responsive |
Placator |
honest reasonable |
Distractor |
open |
Computer/Super-honest reasonable |
authentic |
Blamer |
Why Couples who Laugh (really) Last !!
- Shared laughter is a great bond.
- Laughter counteracts frustrations by providing immediate pleasure.
- One reason humor is so useful in a Relationship is that it allows the couple to feel close to each other at the same time it provides distance from the problem that they are facing.
Communication Tips !!
- Communicate understanding ex. "I see what you mean."
- Show that you are interested in what your spouse is saying.
- Express solidarity, use phrases like " We'll deal with it together."
- Be affectionate by showing simple ways to express your love without saying a word.
- Show excitement when you're feeling specially enthused about something, be
sure to share it with your spouse.
- Empathize understand what you partner is going through.
For additional information click on Marriage.
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